Where is the sun?

We are still in the midst of the metaphorical clouds and the sun may still feel so far away.

We cope in different ways.

Some have learned to just embrace the rain and the clouds and accept that it may be here for a while or it may come back regularly.

Some have chosen to rage and to fight and to lament.

Some are trying to find the small patches of sunlight that seep in through those cirruses and nimbuses.

Some are just waiting for the day when the sun will finally come out, believing that it will show up despite there being no evidence that it is still there.

Some are just distracting themselves or burying themselves with non-weather-related things that they can do or get their hands on.

We all cope in different ways. Some may actually do all of the above.

The important thing for me right now is to kneel down, to lament while looking up towards the sky, and to hold on to the only Hope I have, all while continuing to live my life as He intended me to.

How are you coping? How are you living?

I Can't Get Up But I Know I Have To

Have you ever woken up, immediately sad about having to get out of bed? Some days you just want to stay in and sleep, not because you’re lazy or tired, but because you don’t have enough energy. There are certain periods in my life when that is my normal.

So what gets me eventually out of bed? I think of the things I’ve committed to, the responsibilities I have, and people who are counting on me. I think of the things I might miss out on. I think of my well-being and ask: Will staying in bed help me recover from whatever bout of melancholia or depression I’m currently in? Or will it only further my sadness?

There are days when I find myself taking a bath and going out, in spite of what I’m feeling. If it’s that kind of day for you, congratulations! That’s a big deal.

But there are also days when I can’t bring myself to get up. If it’s that’s kind of day for you, that’s okay too. Give yourself the space to grieve or heal or rest, and pray. Try again tomorrow. The important thing is that you keep on trying.

Whether or not you get out of bed, there is a God who will not leave you. A God that will love you even if you can’t bring yourself to go to work or school. A God who will give you strength when you feel like you don’t have the energy to live life. Trust that He knows what you need on that day, whether you’re in bed or out of it.

(This is one of the entries from a book that I co-authored with Isa Garcia and Janina Rivera, Dawns: A Weekly Devotional for Self-Care and Spiritual Growth)

Heroism in The Age of Fear

As I write this, everyone has probably watched Avengers: Endgame and the final season of Game of Thrones has just started. While most viewers who have taken to social media are hating on spoilers, or hating on people who hate spoilers, I’ve been thinking about the kind of heroes that I enjoy in fiction.

When I was younger, my idea of a hero was someone who was fearless, who would always do the right thing, and never backed down from a challenge. I wanted to become someone like that when I grew up.

But along with adulting came the realization that such heroes would not fare well in the real world, with all the ambiguities, complications, and plot twists that we encounter in everyday life. So I started looking at the heroes who sometimes did the wrong thing, sometimes backed down from a fight because they were afraid or confused, or didn’t know which way was up or down. I think of the Jon Snows and Iron Mans of this world who are not always brave but have one thing in common: In the end they did what was right, in spite of everything.

There are many things to fear and be angry about these days. You will falter. You will try to run away. You will try to hide behind the façade of indifference or cynicism. In the end though, do you have what it takes to be a hero and do the right thing? Are you brave enough to admit that you are afraid and to hold onto the One who places courage in your heart — He who is with you in the scariest of places and fights your battles for you?

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This is one of the entries from a book that I co-authored with Isa Garcia and Janina Rivera, Dawns: A Weekly Devotional for Self-Care and Spiritual Growth

Watch out for more details soon!

Breathe in, breathe out

Sticker from Eden Street

A few days ago, I was “attacked” by excitement. I was listing down the things that will happen over the next few months and I was filled with such overwhelming joy. This year will be my 40th on this earth and so I am imagining a truly epic year (even though some of you wil say 40 is just a number etc etc). And we’re just in the 3rd month but already it’s looking to become a landmark year for me.

But as it always happens to me whenever I’m faced with soon-to-be-momentous stuff in my life, the anxiety always follows the excitement.

How will I survive the next few months?

Where will I get the money to fund my next trips?

Will I be able to finish the tasks I need to for that big project?

What if no one buys the thing I’m doing”

What if I don’t get a visa?

What if something bad happens before I turn 40?

What if? How? When? Where?

Living with occassional paralyzing anxiety is stressful. It can bother you for an entire day or even days or weeks. It can rob you of the joy of the moment and of the future. It can actually ruin the thing for you because when you anticipate that things will go wrong, sometimes you yourself can cause things to go wrong.

I still don’t have the perfect solution to getting rid of this useless anxiety. But one thing that i can do is to just breathe. And I mean the physical act of breathing. Whenever I start thinking of all the things that can go wrong, I stop and then literally breathe in and out. In the process of breathing, I am reminded of these things

…that God is in control

…that I am blessed

…that I need not worry needlessly because things will work itself out and I just have to do my part

…that I have a lot of things to look forward to

…that I can just be

…that His grace will get me through mistakes or hurdles and even this anxiety

Breathe in, breath out. Breathe in, breathe out.

And in breathing, I am also reminded that while I can look forward to things that will happen next week, next month, in the next few months, I still have to be in the present. I still have to do my job, take care of my responsibilities, and just live in the now. In the quiet moments in between all of these things, I remember what is in store for me, both the known and unknown.

Breathe in. Breathe out

Heart to Heart: The 20% speaks

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about love and all that shiz (well, actually anything at all) but since love is still in the air and I’ve been itching to say some things publicly in the hopes that some friends who are struggling with things like this will read it, so yeah, here I am, having a heart to heart with you.

After my last failed relationship, actually the only serious and real relationship I’ve ever had, which ended a gazillion years ago, I swore to myself that I am officially done with love. I was probably around 26 or 27 that time (I don’t remember exactly) but even at that “young” age, I just told myself that I will never put myself through that kind of heartache again.

And then of course a couple of years later I fell in love unrequitedly and got my heart broken again. And again. And again. And again. You get the picture. But the funny thing was that these boys never knew that they did any breaking because everything was all in my head and I never even told them that I liked/loved them. I may have shown it passive/aggressively in a thousand different ways but I never got the chance or took the chance to even say “Hey, I like you that way” or “Hey, do you know that I’m in love with you?”. Part of it was because I was certain they didn’t like me back. Part of it was because of the fear of getting my heart broken, which was funny coz I did get my heart broken nevertheless.

Then one day, I don’t know exactly when, but it must have been around my 30th birthday, I woke up and said to myself, “Hey you know what, you’re okay being alone!”. Okay it didn’t exactly happen that way. There were a lot of tears and bargaining with God and countless, sleepless, overthinking nights when I would ask “What the heck is wrong with me? Am I so ugly, so unlovable, so utterly hopeless that no one would ever want to be with me?”

Well of course, I had a lot of self-esteem and mental health issues on the side that exacerbated that, but those are stories for another time.

It was a long, painful journey until I could honestly tell myself that I’m okay to be single forever and that I don’t even desire to get married or get into a relationship. And then I started telling friends. And then I started making public declarations. At first people were like “Don’t say that, you’re still young” or “There’s someone out there for you” or “God did not intend for you to be alone” or even “Have you tried becoming gay or something?”.

But eventually, the people close to me started believing me. And eventually, it just became an accepted fact that I like being single and that I’ll probably be single forever. And 80% of the time, it is true.

Still, there’s that 20% inside me that sometimes creeps up in the middle of the night and makes me question myself and makes me long for things that are out of my reach and makes me question God about His plan for my life, romance-wise.

There’s that 20% that gets annoyed when people talk about who among us are still single and need a love life and they don’t even consider me because by now they probably think I’m asexual or something.

There’s that 20% of me that has been in love with this man for the last almost 3 years of my life and still sometimes longs and dreams for that person to love me back.

There’s that 20% of me whose heart still breaks whenever she realizes that she will never receive love letters or chocolates (flowers, I’m okay not to get those) or get asked out on dates or will get proposed to.

There’s that 20% of me that ugly cries over romance books and movies because she knows that kind of love may not be meant for her.

So yeah, the 80% of me that’s sure about what I want and who I am in Christ often wins this battle and I am thankful for those days. But every once in a while, on a dark, sleepless night, the 20% claws her way out of the abyss of my apparently still-beating heart and makes itself known.

There is no conclusion to this post, just like there is no conclusion to my journey just yet. Let’s see what happens. The only thing I’m sure of is that no matter what happens to this part of my life, I have a God who loves me whether I end up single or not, whether my heart is broken or whole, whether I am in love or just happily oblivious to love.

And that is the only thing that matters at the end of it all. And that in this entire journey, He is there in the pain and in the joy.

There is a love...

There is a love that wants what’s best for the object of affection even though it might not be what you’ve been secretly hoping for...

There is a love that does not want to see you in pain, even as you unwittingly cause me to be in pain as well...

There is a love that wants to be named but has to be pushed down and never be spoken about but can still be expressed in a million wordless ways...

There is a love that longs to express itself fully but is afraid that the object of affection will run away...

There is a love that is hopeless and yet not desperate...

There is a love that breathes you in every day...

There is a love that doesn't dare to be fully expressed...

There is a love that is I-do-love-you-but-I-know-it-can-never-be-but-yeah-I-still-choose-to-love-you-without-any-kind-of-expectation

And this is that love

Photo by Alexandru Acea on Unsplash

His (excerpt from Letters to A Single Woman)

I don’t have my own words to post today, but I wanted to share with you the words of one of those women that have inspired me to write my own book.

Karen and I aren’t particularly close, in the sense that we don’t talk every day or often. But when we do talk, when I run into her in the office, when we chat every once in a while, when I read the words she has written, I feel inspired and blessed to know her. She keeps reminding me that I have to write my own book someday and that is both scary and exciting.

If you’re single and struggling or single and happy or even maybe not single but interested in what older, single women go through, I highly recommend you read her Letters to A Single Woman (shameless plugging coz we published it ahaha).

Here is one of the chapters in the book that has resonated with me the most, probably coz it’s about writing and also the inadequacy we sometimes feel.

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“There’s nothing like writing a book to make you keenly feel your inadequacy and unworthiness. After turning on my computer this morning, I was almost overwhelmed by the gravity of the undertaking ahead. Lord, help me, I prayed, plagued by insecurity.

The experience of inadequacy comes to us all. Blessings can bring it. We may feel it when we have been promoted at work, moved to another country, or been assigned a work project or family responsibility. We feel a weight on our shoulders when we think of the days ahead, wondering if we will measure up.

It’s the same for our singlehood. We may think of our life and wonder, Can I really build a meaningful life as a single woman? Can I do it?

But, remember — our life is not our own. It belongs to Jesus, who paid for our life with His blood. And so our singlehood belongs to Him. Also, whatever skills and talents we have; whatever possessions, relationships, opportunities, or resources — even our time, health, and ability to think and make decisions — are all His. It is not for us to dictate their use and end.

When we take on full responsibility for something, including its outcome, when we stake our worth and credibility on something — that’s when we feel our utter inadequacy. Our Father in Heaven doesn’t call us to be responsible for all the results of what we do — He only calls us to be faithful in our obedience.

No wonder I’d felt so exhausted when thinking about this book! I’d been trying to cover everything — fretting over what people would think and worrying if the book would resonate with readers. But all God required of me, really, was to depend on Him one day at a time and follow His leading.

The single life is filled with pathways which must be traversed with wisdom and skill. We see these paths and may be afraid because we feel we’re not brilliant or wise enough to walk them. But we will never be enough. That’s how the Lord designed us to be. That’s why, on these paths, we’re not called to lead ourselves — we’re called to follow Him.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” In the light of who God is, awareness of our inadequacy isn’t a bad thing. It reminds us that we’re not God — He is.

“Lord, help me” may be the most powerful prayer we can ever pray.”

Reconnecting with the word reconnect

Back in 2014, my word for the year was “reconnect”. But lately, that word has been haunting me. I feel like I’ve been having out of body experiences ocassionally these past few months and maybe it’s time to once again get back to things that I’ve been missing out on.

1. Reconnect with other people 

Too many cancelled coffee dates, too many missed opportunities to bond, too many appointments I could not keep. Some can be blamed on my commitment to work and rakets, some on my introverted self rearing its ugly head, some due to dark phases. But whatever it was, I miss listening to stories of other people in person, catching up on years lost, just sharing a movie or a  laugh or coffee, basically being around people I love and who love me. So if you’re up for a date, let’s!

2. Reconnect with writing for myself

The problem sometimes with writing for a living is by the time you’re done with work, you have no more words or energy to write for your own pleasure. So blogs get replaced by micro-blogging, journals get replaced by staring into space, even scrapbooking gets replaced by “yeah il do that when i have more time” and then all the memories accumulate in boxes and folders and files. But now, I am “forcing” myself to go back to my first love or else all these words will forever be lost in limbo or wherever unwritten words go to die.

3. Reconnect with my extroverted self

I always thought I was an extrovert given how talkative and loquacious I am. Or used to be. Or sometimes still am. But the past few years have shown me that I really am an introvert masquerading as an extrovert. But I also know that sometimes I have to let the extrovert come out and play. And so I’ll try my best every once in a while.

4. Reconnect with my body

Okay, it’s not what you think. Health scares have forced me to reevaluate what I eat, what I need to do to keep healthy, and maybe lose a few pounds along the way. Again, this is something I promise myself every year, but i don’t want to get to the point where it will already be too late for me to do anything. I have to face the fact that I will be turning 40 next year, and my body ain’t what it used to be. So far the eating healthier has become a habit (yey semi-keto!) but it’s the exercising that I still have to figure out.

5. Reconnect with singing

My vocal chords and my heart are just aching to let out a few notes into the ether. Somehow, somewhere, I will sing again. I want to feel that rush, that comfort, that giddiness, that longing. It’s been far too long. I just don’t know how or where or when.

6. Reconnect with God

“Wait, but don’t you work in a Christian organization?” You would think it’s easier, but a lot of times it’s not. The reminders are always there to spend more time in studying the Word, in prayer, and in just reflecting on who He is in my life and what I’m supposed to do with my life. It is a daily struggle to remember why I do what I do and why on earth am I here. I think this will be a lifelong struggle. But it is in the struggling that I find answers, more questions, more answers, and the Truth.

How about you? What are you struggling to connect or reconnect with lately? Are you doing any concrete steps in order to “fix that gap”?

Wearing her heart on her sleeve

She tries not to stare too much

She tries not to smile too obviously

She tries not to listen to the voices in her head and around her

She tries not to sit too close

She tries not to overthink

She tries not to dream too big

She tries not to dream at all

She tries not to think of what could be

She tries not to face what it really is

But at the end of it all

Her heart is still on her sleeve

But again, at the end of it all

She tries to hide her sleeve

And again at the end of it all

She can’t help but love

Day 6: Read books if you want to write a book

If you tell me that you want to write a book, probably the first question I will ask you is not, "What kind of book are you writing?" but rather, "So who are your favorite authors and what are your favorite books?" 

If you cannot answer this, I will probably doubt your desire and capability to write a book. Because in order to give life to words and stories and ideas, you need to have a love of words and stories and ideas. It is but logical that in order to write a really good book, you must have read a lot of books, both good ones and bad ones. You should have been a voracious reader and also you plan to read even more books in the future.

But apparently, there are a lot of wanna-be writers who can't be bothered to pick up a book every once in a while. If you're one of those, it's probably a good idea to take a step back and ask yourself why you want to write in the first place.

Do you want to be the next J.K Rowling? Well, the best-selling author herself said, "Read a lot. Reading really helps. Read anything you can get your hands on."

Do you want to be as prolific as Stephen King? He said, “If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”

Do you want your books to turn into movies like John Green? (maybe you should write scripts then) He was quoted as saying, "This is what I love about novels - both reading them and writing them. They jump into the abyss to be with you where you are."

There is probably not one famous author who will tell you that they don't love reading. And so probably one of the most important things you can do to get started on your writing journey is to get back to reading if you've fallen behind or to continue reading as you're writing. 

"What if I don't have the time to read?" I'm glad you asked because I actually wrote a post to help you with that problem. Click here. 

But the important thing to remember is you need to have a love of books or the written word and the act of reading itself in order to become a good and better writer. 

And so on this day, when my brain was not functional enough to write a thousand words, I will read in order to be inspired to write two thousand tomorrow. 

Day 4: Always be curious

One of the things that stuck with me the most from our #WriteAwayPH writer's retreat is that instead of harping on and on about passion, we should actually be more interested in chasing curiosity. Samantha Sotto mentioned it during her session on creativity, and it is also something that Elizabeth Gilbert touched on in her amazing book Big Magic.

Don't get me wrong. Being passionate about something is a great thing. However, it will eventually die down and then show up in spurts. But if you live a life of constant curiosity about the people around you, the stories they tell and the lives they live, the things that you don't understand but are interested in, the places you've never been to but dream of going someday, everything that is beyond yourself, then you will live a life that is far more interesting than just being passionate about something. 

Trying to understand yourself, examining your thoughts and motives, and learning to love yourself are all important things. But what I'm learning is that in order for you to live a more connected life, you, of course, have to go beyond just yourself.

Listen to people.

Ask questions.

Google.

Observe.

Research.

Study and learn.

Travel beyond the four corners of your world.

Always be curious.

And if you have the gift of telling stories, whether it's through writing, music, art, or whatever form or platform you want to use, go and tell those stories. Some people do not have the capacity or the means or to voice to share their stories, so maybe you can speak for them. Or maybe you have the gift of teaching them to be empowered to tell their own stories or to find their voice. Or you can do both.

But the important lesson today is, chase curiosity above passion and you will have more stories to tell. 

Day 3: Writing is a joy and a struggle

Lest you get the idea that writing is always romantic and idyllic, it is also sometimes a struggle.

Aside from the fact that I have a day job and another job on the side (both of which actually involve a lot of writing), there are also too many distractions around me. Or rather, I am easily distracted. I have my books, my TV shows, my movies, my journaling and scrapbooking, my friends, and of course, the ultimate distractions of all, Facebook and Instagram. While these things do help me become a better writer, they will not essentially finish my book for me.

And while there is a certain joy when I finally do get myself in front of my laptop or on my notebook and actually write, the journey to actually get me there can sometimes be more difficult than actually writing it.

"Why do I even bother trying to finish this, no one's gonna read it anyway? Wouldn't I be much more productive by doing something else? No one cares whether I finish a book, let alone two books! You don't have anything new to say! Some people do it better, so just let them write their books and you do your job by reading them."

Those are just some of the voices in my head that I have to face every time I try to write. But what I learned these past few weeks is that instead of pushing these voices down, you can actually face them and listen to them and answer them. As Aueee suggested during #WriteAwayPH, invite your inner critic to coffee and you'll realize she's not that scary once you get to face her. 

There are days when those voices will win. And I think we just have to embrace that struggle, and understand that it is part of the writing process. Otherwise, if it were really that easy, then all writers would probably be churning out buttloads of books. 

So I say, welcome the happiness and the struggle that comes with being a writer. And as always, be kind to yourself. 

Day 2: My first 1,000 words and setting appointments

My friends are always amazed at how I can still fit in watching a ton of TV shows and devouring books despite the fact that I work practically 10 hours every day. I'm amazed too sometimes. So lack of time should not be my excuse for not being able to write for my personal book projects. It really is a matter of prioritizing it above other pursuits or distractions for a certain period of time.

One of the lingering lessons I learned from my recent WriteAwayPH writers' retreat is that we need to set appointments with our writer selves and that we need to keep these appointments no matter what. So I gave myself a couple of weeks after the retreat to get my mind and my desk and a few things in order before I officially start my daily appointment.

I'm just on Day 2 and so far, so good. I've written 1,000 words during my first official appointment. And I've blogged for two days straight! I'm dreading the days when I have so much to do everywhere else that I just might cancel on myself. But another lesson I'm learning is that I should be kind to myself during those days when I will fall short. And I know I will.

But here are a few tips that I've been learning about this "writer's appointment"

• Figure out what time of the day your brain is at its best and carve out your schedule around that time.
• Schedule at least an hour a day where you will do nothing but write. If you're a freelancer, you can actually do more. If you have a full-time job, schedule it before or after work or during your lunch break. If you can't do one hour straight, do 30 minutes in the morning then 30 minutes in the evening.
• Set a reminder on your phone or add it to your calendar. And as much as possible, don't schedule anything around that time. 
• As much as possible, turn off any form of Internet when you're writing. Do your research some other time. In that one hour or 30 minutes, you will do nothing but write.
• Give yourself tiny rewards whenever you complete a certain number of words that you're targetting. It can be a tiny piece of chocolate, a few chapters of a book that you want to read, or a nice pen you've been eyeing. 
• If you do miss an appointment, you can either make up for it during the weekend or when you have "extra" time during weekdays. But as I said, be kind to yourself.
• Don't treat this appointment as a chore you have to do, but rather as a fun task that you really want to do or as your "freedom time" if your day job is actually something really far from writing. As Elizabeth Gilbert said, be a trickster, not a martyr. 

So are you ready to set that appointment with your writer self?

Day 1: Start with a clean slate (kinda literally)

I have never been the neatest and tidiest person. I may be good at organizing stuff but my work area and my room are messes, as my officemates and my mom have wirnessed daily. But my "there's order in my chaos" excuse cannot last forever. And I know that in order for me to properly work on my #NaNoWriMo17 goals and my two book projects, I need to have an actual clean area. 

And so I spent my first day of the month just cleaning up this mess of a desk and trying to put some sense of order physically so that mentally I will also be able to focus on my main goals for this month, which is to make progress on those two books I promised myself I would finish by next year.  

And lo and behold, I actually finally saw my desk! And cleaning it up really did clear the cobwebs from my mind. And so now I feel like I am ready to actually write some words down. 

Some tips when setting up your writing area at home.

• Choose a place where you're comfortable in. You'll hopefully be spending several minutes or hours a day so it should be somewhere where you are both relaxed and alert.
• Don't write in a place where you'll be tempted to sleep or turn on the TV or chat with a family member. Remember, your writing time and space are sacred and so you should honor that.
• Do surround yourself with things that will inspire you. I don't know what that looks like for you, but for me, it's my favorite books, pens and notebooks (old and new), postcards, stickers, etc.

I also kind of gave up on my plan to go minimalist because I realized I really can't work if I don't have things surrounding me. So maybe that's another challenge for another year. 

For now, let's just focus on #ProjectStoryAMonth and #ProjectGetOutOfBed, my two book projects which I will be working on over the next few months.

What It Means to Love (an excerpt from Found because I still cannot express what I feel)

I was supposed to write about the pains and joys of unrequited love, about what it means to hurt and still want the best for the one who hurt you, of giving up on love altogether, about moving on for the nth time, but I find myself still unable to fully express and verbalize what all of these things mean to me.

Shirt designed by my friend Liee as fundraising for her Dad's surgery and post-op expenses. Click here and see her other designs and shirts

And so, i will just leave you with an excerpt from one of my favorite books written by one of my favorite people. 

What It Means to Love

(from Found: Letters on Love, Life, and God by Isa Garcia)

To the girl holding her fingers tightly shut,

The word “belong” finds its roots in the Old English word, “langian,” which means, “to pertain to, to go along with.” While I’ve always loved the word “belong,” I think I’ve been using it wrong for years. Somewhere along the way, “belong” has made its bed with the idea of ownership and property. To belong is to say “Mine.” So when I’d talk about belonging to people, my default mode would be that of self-entitlement. Mine, mine, mine!

But to go along with someone looks vastly different from ownership. “To go along with” means to walk beside them. It does not mean to entwine. It means to leave enough space for them to walk away if they have to, or want to, or have no other choice but to. To go along with someone means to choose to be with them, while harboring the knowledge that roads diverge and seasons change and that the story won’t look the same forever.

Ownership ties a person too tightly to you. But to go along with someone is to celebrate what we have with the people we love. Going along with someone is to know that to share love — no matter how brief or how long the moment — is always a privilege. The space we get to love somebody is always just enough.

To “belong” is to say “I want to walk with you for as long as I can” and to savor everything, even the unspectacular moments, because people can never be owned. They can only ever be loved.

With love, The girl who has learned to hold loosely

Where do broken hearts go?

(Written last December 2004, on a Starbucks table napkin)

Where do broken hearts go?

A question I jokingly posed to KJ a few minutes ago, while sitting here at Starbucks Rockwell.

A question I seriously asked myself after being left with nothing but a bleeding heart more than a year ago

A question women (and yes, men) have constantly asked after getting their hearts broken (sometimes over and over)

A question that Whitney Houston asked us during the 90s

A question that can have a million answers

A question that can never have a single answer

A question that maybe needs no answers

The important thing is: They heal.

It may take a week or a hundred years, but it will.

The ultimate question is: do you want it to heal?

If yes, then place all the broken pieces into the Hands that promised to put it back together. Don’t even think of keeping even one, teeny tiny piece. That tiny piece will come back to prick you someday.

If no, then enjoy your misery. I heard it loves company.

The days are dark but there is hope.

I was thinking of the lessons that I have learned from Him and from His Word this year. And while there are personal lessons that I have learned, this I think is most important.

"This is what the LORD says: Be fair-minded and just. Do what is right! Help those who have been robbed; rescue them from their oppressors. Quit your evil deeds! Do not mistreat foreigners, orphans, and widows. Stop murdering the innocent!" Jeremiah 22:3 (NLT)

My prayer for all of us, whether you believe in God or not, is that in 2017, we will seek to be more fair-minded and just. And that we will fight for those who cannot fight. Whether it is actually being in the frontlines through government and non-government work, doing your part to bring attention to those marginalized people and issues, telling the stories that need to be told, doing your own kind of art whether it's movies, writing, visual art, music, etc to talk about issues that are dear to you, or even just opening your eyes and mind to things that you don't understand or don't know much about and then figuring out what it is that you can do in your own small or big way.

And if you believe in the power of prayer and the power of God, to pray about these things constantly, to seek God and see what it is you can do to ease the suffering of those around you without any agenda whatsoever except to love as He has loved you, to be gracious and forgiving to the people whom you do not agree, but also to stand up for what is right and what you believe in but with love and grace.

And take care of yourself as well. While we try to look outwards more and see things beyond ourselves, you also need to examine yourself every once in a while. To seek help if you're depressed and you don't understand what's happening with you, to seek joy when you're in the darkest of places, to hold someone's hand when you need someone to just be there for you, to accept that you are not perfect and that you are a work in progress, that you need not be frustrated that the work may be taking a bit longer, that you are being changed from glory to glory.

Things are bleak, the days are dark, but there is still that small spark of hope that we can see in the things and people around us, if only you know where to look for them.

Thank you for the sometimes painful lessons of 2016.

We look forward to see what 2017 will bring and what we can do to make sure that this year will be better.

The Invisible Girl

I've always struggled with being invisible.

No, i don't have a superpower, but it seems that I've been rendered unseen by some forces stronger than myself. Even when I was a teenager, in my 20s, and now in my 30s, I've always felt that it was hard for people to see me. Okay, my height has something to do with it probably.

But seriously...

I feel like people forget me when introduced the first time. And then when we meet for the 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th time, they will introduce themselves to me as if it's the first time they've met me. And it's awkward coz I always remember people.

In a big group, when I am with them the first time, people rarely pay any attention to me. Even my friends forget to introduce me because they assume I can just introduce myself and that I can get along with everyone else. However, I am not built like that, really. I don’t have the courage to talk to people who don’t talk to me first, and so I just end up not saying anything. And then when I do say something, people tend to look at me like “Oh, you’re there. Who are you?”

Just last week someone told me “You go to _______? How come I haven’t seen you there before?” And I have been going to that place for the past two months almost every Sunday. And I even sat at the same table as the person.

So yeah, invisible.

And for the longest time, there are voices (yes more than one) in my head telling me “You’re nothing. You’re not worth knowing. You’re not important enough. You’re not interesting enough.” And for the longest time, I’ve listened to those voices. I believed them. And I sunk in despair thinking that I am truly invisible and the world cannot see me for who I believe I am.

But over the years, in my struggle with this I have come to understand some things.

First, and probably most importantly, my worth should be found in my Savior. He has bought me with His blood and so I am hidden in Him. If you don’t believe in God or Christ, you probably will not understand and I will not try to explain to you in a few sentences. But really, it has changed my life, knowing that He cares for me and that my worth is not to be found in anything or anyone else but Him. But it’s something I have to believe every day. There are days when I don’t actually believe it. But faith is the thing that binds me to it.

Second, it is enough that the people who are important to you and the people you love most are the ones who see you. Not everyone will appreciate you. Not everyone will find you interesting. Not everyone will make an effort to get to know you. But those who really matter, those who really care, they’re the ones that see you. And that should be enough. In fact, it should be precious. The fact that people you love see you, in all your glory and in all your ugliness and in all your authenticity, and still love you no matter what, that should be enough.

Third, do no believe the lies that the voices are telling you. I have to believe that I am a person worth knowing. That I have stories to tell. That I can listen to other people’s stories. That I am worth knowing and that the people around me are worth knowing. And that I am awesome. Not proud awesome, but awesome awesome because my God is awesome and I am called to be awesome. Awesome right?

Fourth, do not let anyone feel invisible too. Because you know how difficult it is to be noticed, you should be more sensitive to new people that you meet, or even to your own friends who you think may be struggling with things too. Be genuinely interested in the people that you meet and not just be all about you all the time. Listen. Ask questions. Get to know them. I'm a firm believer in the fact that you'll always learn something new from the people around you.

Lastly, I should not be afraid to make myself be seen. I should not fade into the darkness because that is where all the bad voices come alive. I should go into the light and show who I am, what I’m passionate about, why am I worth listening to. And if I feel that I should become a better version of myself, then I should go do things. Make art. Write stories. Play sports. Discover and talk about the things I’m passionate about. Go on missions and outreaches. Champion a cause. But do not do these things because you want to be cool or you want to be noticed by the cool people. Do them because they’re your small (or big) part to contribute to this world that is in dire need of art and passion and light and love.

It is not easy, this trying to be seen thing, this lifting yourself up from the mire of self-doubt and figurative self-immolation, this trying to find your worth and your passion, this discovering yourself and bettering yourself process. It is bloody and messy at times. And sometimes you just want to disappear into the void, because it is much easier (even though it is also very painful)

But we carry on. It is what we are called to do. It is who we are meant to be. Every day, you wake up and you carry on, with the love of the people around you, by loving the people around you, and by His grace and love. Carry on.

Be un-invisible.

Here I am, world

Here I am, world!

I don't know what to do with you yet.
I don't know what part I'm supposed to play yet. 
I don't know how I can make myself seen and heard yet.
I don't know how to make yourself feel better yet.
I don't know if I can even make you better yet.

And yet...
I know I am made for something more than just this.
I know I am made not to hide and shrivel in a corner.
I know I have to fight for what I believe is right. 
I know I have to hold the hands of those that are overwhelmed.
I know I have to sing for those who don't know how to sing.
I know I have to scream without bringing the world down.
I know I have to gently but firmly make my mark.

I just don't know how yet.
But wait for me, world. Wait for me.