Today I Feel Heartbroken

I’ve been heartbroken over so many boys the past years that I’ve lost count (please don’t make me count). But there are also a lot of other things and people that have added to the cracks and fissures in my heart : friendships that ended without you realizing why, damaged bridges that cannot be mended, wounding words that echo continuously, unrequited love that will forever remain unsaid, dreams that can never come true, disappointment in a God that I formed in my head.

There are heartbreaks that you can paper over until they become scars that you barely notice. There are those that will forever be part of your fractured heart. There are those that you can use as fuel for your creative pursuits. There are those that can inevitably change you.

You cannot escape heartbreak as it is part and parcel of being human. But what happens after you’ve put the pieces back together can be both simple and extraordinary. The process is not immediate but getting there is a journey in itself. You can create amazing things that touch other people. You can become strong enough for others who are going through their own pain. You can use your story to point to the One who healed your wounds. 

IF YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING

Read this poem and think about how it makes you feel (write down your feelings if you want)

'Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone'

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, 

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, 

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum 

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead 

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, 

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, 

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 

He was my North, my South, my East and West, 

My working week and my Sunday rest, 

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; 

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. 

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; 

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; 

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; 

For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

W H Auden

JOURNALING PROMPT:

Write your own poem of heartbreak and lament. Go back to it after a year and see how far you've come.

Today I Feel Insecure

used to think that instead of blood, I had insecurity running through my veins. I hated the way I looked so I don’t want to be in group pictures since I felt everyone was prettier than me. I believed with all my heart that no one would want to read anything I wrote. I would always compare myself to my friends who are all excellent in their own way. And in my fear and insecurity that others can do or say it better, I eventually silenced my voice. 

Eventually, I realized something had to drastically change: how I constantly compare myself to other people and how I generally feel about myself. I started making little changes. I took selfies until I got used to staring at my face. I sang to myself until I found out I liked my voice.  I started writing again and eventually discovered I actually liked how I wrote. I started appreciating the people around me instead of always thinking I was inferior compared to them.

I can’t really say that I’ve totally made peace with myself. But I can honestly say now that I actually like the me that I’ve become and the me that I think God wants me to be. And more importantly, I started to really accept that God loves me, scars, imperfections, insecurities and all.  Let us listen to the Truth and let the lies fade into background noise. 

IF YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING:

List down the things that you think you’re good at. Add to this list every time you learn a new skill or talent.

JOURNALING PROMPT:

What are three quiet strengths or capabilities that I have that have nothing to do with external validation?

Today I Feel Lonely

Why is it so hard for us to admit to ourselves and to others that we’re lonely? It is after all a normal part of our emotional cycles. There’s a certain pressure that society puts on us and we put on ourselves to make sure that everyone knows we’re happy. Sometimes, we also have a certain image that we think we need to protect and no one can know that we’re ever lonely.

Over the past years, I’ve learned to be honest and vulnerable enough to confess that every once in a while, I feel lonely. And it is in naming that emotion that actually makes loneliness lose its power over me. Acknowledging it doesn’t mean that it disappears. But once you start to realize it, you start taking steps to feel it, to understand it, and eventually to vanquish it. 

Talk to people you can trust to understand you. Go to a place that brings you joy. Read a book or temporarily escape into a story. Eat your comfort food. Write it out in your journal. And most importantly, cry out your loneliness to God. He understands what it means to be lonely, abandoned, forsaken. He will comfort you. He will bring you peace and joy that surpasses understanding. 

IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING:

Write a piece of poem or prose that expresses your current state of loneliness. It doesn't have to be a great piece of literature, just an honest expression of what you're feeling now.

JOURNALING PROMPT

What do you think are the things, people, or circumstances that are causing you to feel lonely? 

When you feel lonely

...talk to someone even about trivial stuff

...visit a nearby place that brings you joy

...read or re-read a book you can escape to

...eat your comfort food (even if it becomes cheat day)

...write out random thoughts and feelings in your journal

...do a simple hobby that brings you joy

...list out things you're grateful for

...treat yourself to something simple but nice

...cry out to God

Today I Feel Uninspired

Wouldn’t it be nice if we woke up every day fully inspired to do what it is we know we are meant to do? That we are always full of ideas and energy, raring to go and conquer our corner of the world?

But as anyone who has been working for years knows, there are days when you drag yourself to work and the well has run dry. There are times when no matter how hard you squeeze your brain, nothing comes out and you just want to zone out and do nothing. Do you just force yourself to slog through even though you have no idea what to do? Or do you just stare into space and wait until inspiration finally strikes you?

Well, you can actually choose to do something in between. Inspiration doesn’t really drop down from the heavens exactly when you need it. Sometimes you have to work to find it. Sometimes you have to go out and try out different things until something inspires you, even if it sometimes forces you to stop first and do something else other than your actual work. There are also days when you just have to finish the tasks you're supposed to do even if they seem "uninspired". There are also times when you just have to call it a day and just just try to find inspiration tomorrow.

Inspiration is not instant nor is it a magical solution. You just have to learn to surround yourself with things, people, and experiences that can bring it out for you.

IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING

Take 30 minutes away from what you’re doing and do something else that can inspire you.

JOURNALING PROMPT:

For the next 21 days, list something every day that brings you inspiration. 

Where to find inspiration:

• Music

• Books

• Talking

• Nature

• Art

• Sleep

• Travel

• Scrolling/Bingeing

• Cooking/Eating

• Doing nothing

• Coffee

• Road trip

• Playing games

Today I Feel Anxious

Anxiety is a new “friend” that I met during the pandemic (which seems like both so recent and so ancient) Normally, I could set aside these fleeting, anxious thoughts and positive think my way out of them. But suddenly, I started to recognize that nauseous, overwhelming, panicky feeling that I only previously read about. I couldn’t sleep just thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I sometimes couldn’t breathe whenever I doom scroll through social media (and I couldn't stop scrolling). I would sometimes stare into space, paralyzed by thoughts and feelings of anxiety. It was an ugly, unfamiliar feeling and I didn't know how to really deal with it at that time. I'm pretty sure a lot of us went through different levels of anxiety during that time.

It's gotten better since then but there are still moments when this unwanted friend would show up unexpectedly. It can happen when I'm in the middle of a crowd and I can't seem to breathe; while I'm out alone in an unfamiliar space; when I'm with friends and something was said that I can't get out of my head; when I'm alone at night, remembering things I need to do or failed to do; when I'm excited but then remembered something that might go wrong. Sometimes I can just brush it off especially when I'm with other people but pressing thoughts can be debilitating.

What has really helped is that I eventually learned to live with it instead of getting anxious about getting anxious. As they say, you can make it your friend. A friend that you don't want to see often, of course. Grounding techniques have helped me get out of moments when it becomes overwhelming. Finding out my triggers also helps me prepare for when an episode may possibly happen. I also tried different coping mechanisms to see which work - journaling, taking a walk, turning off my WiFi, drinking a cup of my favorite beverage, talking to someone, listening to music, reading a familiar book, even watching a brainless vertical drama. You need to find out what can help you get through it and it might take a lot of trial and error but when you find things that work, keep them in mind.

But most importantly, it is in these moments that I slowly learned to breathe things out to God. It’s not the time for “formal” prayer but just this natural act of exhaling all of my anxiety to the One who says that we can cast all our burdens onto Him. There are moments when all you can cry out is “Lord” and I know that is enough. Praying and exhaling doesn’t always get rid of my anxiety but it does help me breathe a little easier. 

Living with anxiety can be difficult, especially if it's the crippling kind. But there is always hope, maybe not to totally overcome it, but to learn how to live with it.

IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING:

Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique when you’re feeling anxious

Name or acknowledge:

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell, 

1 thing you can taste. 

JOURNALING PROMPT:

What are things that have been causing you to feel anxious lately? What are things that are helping you deal with it?

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)